5/11/99    Although this is not my last rantings & raving installment, I will probably lay off the pseudo-intellectual metaphysics for awhile. I have yet to rag on such contemptible infrastructures as the music industry, utilities monopolies and the current state of health care in America.
So for now I simply leave you with a few affirmations and tips (some I made up, some I stole) for attaining and/or maintaining your mental/emotional/spiritual well-being.

   Always assume full responsibility for your actions, except the one's that are someone else's fault.

   Never punish, belittle or compromise yourself, unless of course you want to stay employed.

   Find comfort in the fact that in certain cultures much of what you do may be considered normal.

   Having control over your thoughts & emotions is nearly as good as having control over someone else's thoughts & emotions.

   Be grateful you are not as judgmental as all those other self-righteous pig-headed morons.

   You need not suffer in silence so long as you can still whine about it.

   Every part of you has beauty and value, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

   Live each day as if it were your 40th birthday.

   Lack of imagination can save you from being immobilized by imaginary fears.

   Do not waste precious time living in the past when you can spend it worrying about the future.

   Find humor in your everyday life by continually finding people to laugh at.

   It's okay to make mistakes so long as someone else learns from them.

   You need not be ashamed of who you are, regardless of state or local laws.

   The light at the end of tunnel is probably an on-coming freight train.

   Never put off till tomorrow what you can con somebody else into doing today.

   Embrace your personality flaws, for without them you would have no personality at all.

   Try not to worry about Alzheimer's, rest assured you will eventually forget about it.

   Always remember you are unique and truly one of a kind, just like everyone else.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

   The optimist thinks this is the best possible world. The pessimist fears this is true.

   Half the people you know are below average.

   If you're not confused you really don't know what's going on.

   Half the lies people tell about you are not true.

   The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

   Cliches are a dime a dozen.

Avoid the following ponderings. Some things we were simply not meant to know :
 1. Why is the word abbreviated so long?

 2. If Vanna White married Clint Black, would their baby be gray?

 3. Does anyone really care about apathy?

 4. If a cat always lands right-side up and bread always lands butter-side down, what would happen if you dropped a cat with bread strapped to his back?

 5. How can someone be awful nice ?

 6. How can someone be pretty ugly ?

 7. Do they use an alcohol swab before a lethal injection?

 8. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, why does perfume smell like flowers instead of pizza?

 9. When you buy batteries are they included?

10. Who was Casper the friendly ghost before he died?

11. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

12. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

13. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

14. Is there another word for "thesaurus"?

15. Why is it a pair of pants but never a pair of shirts ?

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of a plane?

18. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

19. What disease did cured ham have?

20. Why do we say "I slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

21. If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

22. Can blind people see their dreams?

23. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about it?

25. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

26. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

27. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

28. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lotto"?

29. Why is the third hand on a clock called the second hand?

30. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

31. If PROgress is moving forward, then what is CONgress?

32. Do amphibians wait a half hour after eating to get out of the water?

33. Do electrons have moons?

34. Why didn't Tarzan have a beard?

35. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

36. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

37. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

38. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If you spin a Chinese person around several times, does he become disoriented?

41. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

42. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

43. If you Photoshopped Cinderella's carriage after midnight, would it still be "mouse drawn"?

44. Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

...and here is a classic example of having too much time on your hands. I was looking at celebrity birthdays and noticed that many famous last names could be used as verbs or adverbs when used in a question. Similar to the old "have you ever seen a barn dance" and "have you ever heard an onion ring" jokes, these are not necessarily funny, just odd:

Why does Sheryl Crow?

Why is Ellen Barkin?

What did Robert Plant?

What does Mariah Carey?

Who did Chuck Berry?

Why is Merle Haggard?

What did Helen Hunt?

Do you think Ron Wood?

Is it more or Les Paul?

Why is Lester Flatt?

Why is Tom Petty?

Have you been on Rikki Lake?

Have you been on Faith Hill?

How does Bonnie Raitt?

What did Sam Cooke?

Why is Anne Frank?

Why is Marianne Faithfull?

Why is Marvin Gaye?

Why is Debbie Harry?

Why does William Hurt?

Why is Timothy Leary?

Why does Lyle Lovett?

Why did Maxfield Parrish?

What did Gregory Peck?

Why is Helen Reddy?

What did Lou Reed?

Why is Morley Safer?

Why is Kevin Spacey?

What is Tori Spelling?

What does Stevie Wonder?

Why is Howard Stern?

Some things we may never understand.      and so it should be.


I'm laughing on the inside, asshole